Breaking Reality

Oh, this is a tough one .... I honestly don't pay much attention to most celebrities, beyond the films, television shows or music they're making. I don't really know any of them very well. So ... let's skip celebrities and go for some more substantial lights.

Al Gore and Princess Nalyn of Rod Espinosa's Neotopia (Antarctic): She's smart, plucky, determined, brave and veryveryvery eco-conscious.

Mata Hari and Elle of Matt Kindt's 2 Sisters (Top Shelf): Two women spies, fighting the bad guys and saving the world together. ... Hey, that is a pretty good idea. No, no one else can have it! Mine!

Steve Jobs and Oracle/Barbara Gordon from Birds of Prey (DC): Please, like I have to explain this one.

Dwayne Johnson and Melaka Fray from Joss Whedon's Fray (Dark Horse): Okay, one celebrity. But, really, I think it's a good match. He's big, funny and useful in a fight. And a girl could use all the help she can get fighting vampires and demons in a dystopian future.

Me and Jaeger from Carla Speed McNeil's Finder (Lightspeed Press): Because he's just damn sexy. Although I'd probably have to fight off a number of my sister Tarts for the privilege.

And finally (in a completely non-sexual, non-creepy way) — the entire United States Congress and Scrooge McDuck. That miserly old duck will teach them to spend money wisely and well, and give them a kick in the pants for the trouble.

I really can't come up with an answer for matching up fictional characters to real people. Matchmaking implies knowing people, and for many fictional characters, I know them better than some of family members: I get to see the thought processes of fictional characters, my family not so much.

Unlike a lot of people I work to avoid celebrity or public figure media. I don't want to contribute to the often incredible violation of privacy these people experience. I don't care what they're wearing, what they're eating, and, unless it's a crime, who they're having sex with. I don't want to see them with their kids, or trying to have a quiet moment in the backyard. I don't want to see them at the beach or at the supermarket. I want them to be left alone in peace and quiet if they're having mental health issues, divorces, or custody battles over their children.

I don't seek them out or friend them on LJ, MySpace, or Facebook unless I knew them before, or I interviewed them and we clicked.

I really don't know enough about their interests or personalities to play matchmaker.

Except, I would so totally send Scott Porter (Friday Night Lights, Speed Racer) on a date with Wonder Woman because he's a total comics geek and would (I hope) have a fantastic time.

Storm and Gene Kelly (Singin' in the Rain, An American in Paris). They could have a lovely evening together with dinner and then, of course, dancing! (Then Ororo could rub it in her frenemy Stevie Hunter's face the next time she picks Kitty up from Stevie's dance classes.)

Magneto and Myrna Loy (The Thin Man and its sequels): can I help it if I have a thing for elegance? Er, Magnus would have to leave the red-and-purple outfit at home, of course. After that it's martinis and witty repartee till the wee hours.

Devi and Tadanobu Asano (Zatoichi: The Blind Assassin, Shark Skin Man & Peach Hip Girl) because, um, it would be hot like burning. And I can't think of anybody better equipped to deal with a goddess-made-flesh than legendary weirdball Asano.

John Constantine and Lady Gaga (The Fame). Don't tell me you wouldn't pay tickets to see what that date would look like.