Movie Experience? Ha!

By Katherine Keller
April 1, 2006

Ah, the Oscars. A celebration of achievement in cinema.

And (for the past three years running) a nice, heavy handed "OMG
Dun Steel" message.

See, for me the the funniest moments of the evening were not
provided by John Stewart's zingers. No, the funniest moments
of the evening were provided when the president of the academy
got up and gave a long winded speech about why we all wanted
to go and watch movies ... at the movie theater, because only
there do we get the real experience.

(As an aside, I found it extra crispy tacky that this braying
jackass got to give this heavy handed moralistic speech, but
the people accepting awards for Best Picture had their mikes
turned off and the cameras pan away. Yeah, now that's
class.)

And while there wasn't enough time to let several recipients
speak, there was plenty of time for some actor to come up and give
yet another speech about how going to the movie theater provides
the best possible experience largely because of the big screen,
plush chairs, and the 5.1 surround sound. They then cut to a
montage of "blood and thunder" clips from about 20 classic movies.

My husband and I died laughing at this. First of all, we loved
the irony of trotting out all those famous clips ... several
of which were decades old (and have not been re-released) and
showing them to us on the "little screen" in an effort to show
us what we're missing. Well, having never seen (for example)
Ben Hur and Lawrence of Arabia on anything but a TV screen, I'm still not quite sure what I'm missing.

Moreover, the emphasis on seeing the big screen, plush seats,
and 5.1 surround sound ... as if these rich actors and execs
have no idea what a home theater is? See, I don't know
about you, but I happened to be watching the Oscars on a 50"
plasma TV, while seated on a very plush couch, and while I don't
have 5.1 surround sound, we do have a very high quality stereo
and speakers. Several of my friends do happen to have 5.1 surround
sound. It's nice but not essential.

I also had some other amenities that my local theater cannot
provide.

I had a kick ass pizza from a local independent pizzeria.

I was washing it down with a nice glass of Berenger White Zinfandel.

I was in an environment free from wailing children, ringing cell
phones, and people who talk back at the picture and/or noisly snarf their food.

Don't get me wrong, I am a person who still goes to the movies
at least once a month for "girls night out" movie and then dinner.

But perhaps the Academy should not delude itself that paying
$6.25 for 5.1 surround sound makes the experience so much better
than at home.

Perhaps the Academy and the Hollywood establishment need to
stop blaming the customer and take a good hard look at themslves
and the movies they're putting out. Perhaps Hollywood ought to
take a look at why the summer blockbuster season isn't what it
used to be. (Hint: the movies are boring; all [mediocre] style
and no substance.) Perhaps they ought to take a look at the
outrageous sums of money paid to a handful of stars. Perhaps
they ought to take a look at the obscene budgets.

And, perhaps they ought to take a look at other tactics to lure
people back into the theater, and work with local theaters in
sponsoring "no children under 12" showings of various movies.
Perhaps they should encourage theaters to station an usher in
every showing so that inconsiderate dingledorfers who think they
have the right to say more than "I'm at the movies, I'll call
you back" will get escorted out of the theater until they finish
that vital conversation. The same goes with parents who seem
to think that nobody minds their wailing child and who have the
temerity to get pissy with other viewers who ask them (politely)
to take their child out of the theater until it quiets down.

Or, perhaps the Hollywood establishment and the Academy should
look into better embracing Pay Per View technologies. Sure,
there's going to be some piracy, but if it only costs $2.50 to
watch a movie in the comfort of one's own home theater, why insist
that people get in their car and drive to a building that's not
got the same amenities as home?

But please, can we can the "OMG Dun Steel" speeches? Because
right now, the best viewing experience is in my house, and in trying to tell me otherwise, the Academy sounds like people all upset about the "talkies".